Porthos Gets Gas
by PoeticChick
Summary: Porthos tries to destroy the ship!


Title: Porthos Gets Gas  
  
Rating: PG (for language and mild crude humor)  
  
Summary: Porthos tries to destroy the ship!  
  
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; they belong to Paramount. I just like poking fun at them. And I *am* a dog person, so no offense is meant. Please R/R; this is my first fanfic.  
  
Setting: The Bridge, everyone is at his or her stations.except for the Captain.  
  
MAYWEATHER: Has anyone seen the Captain this morning? It's not like him to be late.  
  
REED: Maybe he's sick.*maybe* he's been attacked! Perhaps we ought to send out a search party for him! He could be missing, lying dead or injured in a pool of his own blood! [practically salivates with excitement]  
  
T'POL: That assumption is illogical.  
  
EVERYONE: [rolls their eyes and begin mimicking T'Pol when she turns back to her station]  
  
[Archer strolls calmly onto the bridge, cuddling Porthos in his arms.]  
  
ARCHER: Sorry I'm late. Porthy-Worthy was having a little trouble with his tumbly-wumbly, wasn't he? Wasn't he? [proceeds to coo and tickle Porthos while the rest of the crew watches in disgust]  
  
HOSHI: [under her breath] Maybe it's all the cheese you feed him, moron.  
  
[Archer seems to remember that everyone else is watching him and sets Porthos on the deck beside his chair.]  
  
ARCHER: [whiny voice] I'm bored. Have we found anything interesting yet?  
  
TUCKER: There's an M-Class planet a few thousand kilometers away -  
  
ARCHER: [waves hand] Eh, I don't feel like being a Peeping Tom and meddling into the affairs of an alien race. What else?  
  
REED: We thought we spotted another comet [everyone groans] -  
  
MAYWEATHER: [whispers] Dude, why'd you tell him that?  
  
ARCHER: [looks thoughtful for a minute] Nah. I mean, how many chunks of ice can we chase, anyway?  
  
[Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.]  
  
TUCKER: Well there has to be someone we can force our unwanted help on, Cap'n!  
  
ARCHER: [shakes head sadly]  
  
PORTHOS: Pffffft.  
  
EVERYONE: Eww!  
  
[Everyone looks around to see who did it. Trip snickers, Reed looks disgusted, T'Pol has the usual sour expression on her face, and Mayweather giggles. Hoshi, on the other hand.]  
  
HOSHI: [leaps from chair] Omigawd! Captain! Did you hear that? [looks around frantically, eyes wide] Did you all *hear* that? I think there's an air leak! I think there's a gas leak! ["Got that right," mutters Trip] Omigawd, we're all gonna die!!!!  
  
MAYWEATHER: [giggles] Wimp.  
  
ARCHER: All right.whoever did that, 'fess up. [everyone is quiet] Come on now, there's nothing to be ashamed of. [he walks over to T'Pol, who stares at him blankly] T'Pol?  
  
T'POL: [raises an eyebrow] If you think I am the source of your childish amusement, you are mistaken.  
  
MAYWEATHER: What, you're telling me Vulcans never get gassy?  
  
T'POL: [purses lips]  
  
TRIP: You know, T'Pol, we have a saying back on earth -  
  
ARCHER, TRIP, REED, and MAYWEATHER: Whoever denied it, supplied it! [they snort and high-five each other as T'Pol looks on primly]  
  
T'POL: Perhaps one of *you* is guilty.  
  
REED: [practically choking with laughter] Don't forget, now: whoever accuses lit the fuses!  
  
[Everyone except T'Pol and Hoshi goes into another fit of laughter. Hoshi cowers in the corner, her eyes darting back and forth, occasionally murmuring, "We're gonna die; we're *all* gonna die!"]  
  
T'POL: [shoots Vulcan Daggers of Death from her eyes at the Captain]  
  
ARCHER: [wipes tears out of his eyes]  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffft.  
  
EVERYONE: EWW!  
  
TRIP: I don't know about y'all but since it's a slow day and the air in here's gettin' sorta [he pauses] stale, I'm gonna mosey on down to Engineering.  
  
[Trip gets up, walks to the door, and pushes the button. The doors do not open. He tries again. The doors still don't open.]  
  
TRIP: I'll be -  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffffffffffft.  
  
[Trip begins kicking the door, frantically pressing the button. Mayweather jumps up and joins him and they pound vainly on the door.]  
  
MAYWEATHER: Let us out! Let us out! We're all gonna suffocate in here, let us out!  
  
ARCHER: He's beginning to sound like Hoshi.  
  
HOSHI: [pauses in panicking] Hey!  
  
REED: Why don't we just call down to Engineering and have them send someone up to fix the doors?  
  
[Trip and Mayweather look at each other. They shuffle back to their seats, eyes downcast.]  
  
ARCHER: [pushed a button on his chair] Engineering, this is the Captain. There's something wrong with the doors on the bridge. [he waits] Engineering?  
  
HOSHI: [hyperventilates] Omigawd, Omigawd, what did I *tell* you? Huh? Oh, I knew I shouldn't have come out here!  
  
REED: Ensign, there's no reason to panic.  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffft. [gets up and trots towards Mayweather.]  
  
MAYWEATHER: [a look of terror spreads across his face] Away.away.get away, little doggy, please?  
  
[Porthos takes a step forward. Mayweather screams and jumps on top of his console.]  
  
ARCHER: [chuckling] Travis, you scream like a girl!  
  
[Porthos turns around and trots towards Trip. Trip, who is standing near Archer, screams and jumps into Archer's lap. Porthos wags.]  
  
ARCHER: [hisses] *Bad* dog, Porthos, we're not in my quarters, are we? [he looks at Trip, whose arms are around his neck] Trip, I -  
  
[Trip looks uncomfortable, unwraps his arms from Archer's neck, and slides off his lap, scurrying away from Porthos. He joins Hoshi, who is still cowering in the corner.]  
  
ARCHER: [runs hand along collar and mutters something about never washing his shirt again]  
  
REED: Captain, *what* are we going to do?  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffft.  
  
ARCHER: [chuckles] Well, I can tell you what I'm not going to do! [to Porthos] You're never getting any of my best Gouda again, are you boy?  
  
REED: *Captain.*  
  
ARCHER: [with a divaesque air] Gosh darn it, Malcolm, why do *I* always have to save the day?  
  
TRIP: You save the day? Cap'n, I believe *I* was the hero when we encountered those rock people.  
  
MAYWEATHER: [whispers] There weren't any rock people, Commander, remember?  
  
TRIP: [confused] Oh yeah.  
  
ARCHER: T'Pol, you've been awfully quiet. I guess Vulcans never get trapped in a small room with a gassy dog.  
  
T'POL: Enough with the slurs about my species! [makes little devil's horns on her head with her fingers] [falsetto voice] Pointy-ears, pointy-ears! I *know* I'm Vulcan; you don't need to keep pointing it out every ten minutes!  
  
TRIP: Wow.  
  
T'POL: [looks uncomfortable] Please excuse my outburst, Captain. It seems.my nasal numbing agent has worn off.  
  
ARCHER: [claps hands] Oh boy, this is good! This is so much better than prying into the lives of some boring aliens!  
  
TRIP: [sarcastic] Trapped on the bridge with some gassy dog and an irritable Vulcan? Damn straight.  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffft.  
  
[An hour later, the doors are still stuck and Porthos is just as gassy. Hoshi hasn't moved from her corner; Reed, Trip, and Mayweather are sitting against the wall by Reed's station; T'Pol is standing as far away from everyone else as possible, and even Archer looks wilted.]  
  
TRIP: Cap'n, you remember those old battery commercials with that lil' bunny?  
  
ARCHER: Yeah.  
  
TRIP: Well, sir, I think Porthos is the *dog* that just keep goin' and goin'.  
  
MAYWEATHER: Really, sir! How much cheese did you feed him, anyway?  
  
ARCHER: [shrugs] A bit here, a nibble there. [waves a hand] I dunno.  
  
T'POL: [takes a step towards Archer] Obviously if he's having this much [she pauses] *difficulty* , you must have fed him more than 'a nibble'.  
  
ARCHER: [gets up from his chair and takes a few stomps towards T'Pol] Shoo! Back to your corner, go! I'll breathe on you! Shoo!  
  
[T'Pol scurries back to her corner where she crosses her arms and pouts. Archer collapses in his chair, rubbing his temples.]  
  
ARCHER: Come on Engineering, what's taking so damn long? It seems like we've been in here for days.and days.  
  
T'POL: Actually -  
  
ARCHER: What'd I say? What did I *say*?  
  
T'POL: But I -  
  
ARCHER: CORNER!  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffft.  
  
[Another hour crawls by. Hoshi falls asleep with her head on her knees, smacking her lips as a little puddle of drool forms on her knee. Archer sits in his chair, staring moodily into space. T'Pol daintily holds her nose with her fingers. Mayweather is *not* crying, he simply has a speck of something in his eye. Reed is in a comatose state with his head on Trip is reclining comfortably against the wall, singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to himself, complete with hand motions.]  
  
TRIP: Down came the rain and washed the spi-der out.  
  
T'POL: Captain, perhaps if I try to reason with the animal -  
  
ARCHER: Shoo - oh. [he reconsiders] What the hell, give it a try.[to Porthos] Now Porthy baby, there's no need to be frightened of the scary lady.  
  
TRIP: And the itsy-bitsy spi-der.  
  
T'POL: [crouches down in front of Porthos] All of this is quite illogical. You must attempt to keep your gas within yourself until we can escape -  
  
PORTHOS: Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.  
  
[T'Pol faints. Archer slouches down in his chair. Mayweather's head slumps down on his chest. Trip, in the middle of "Here Comes Peter Cotton-Tail", slumps onto the floor. The bridge is silent.  
  
Porthos looks around. Everyone is unconscious. He trots to the helm and jumps onto the chair. He cocks his head, then slaps a paw onto the console - after all, if Mayweather can do it then how hard can it be?  
  
The ship makes a sharp turn. Everyone is thrown against the wall. Archer slides out of his chair and falls facedown on T'Pol's chest. Porthos rubs his paws together and chuckles an evil chuckle.]  
  
PORTHOS: Muaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa! I've outsmarted the humans at last! Once I crash the ship into that star, it will all be over. No more disgusting puppy kibble, no more having to pee in a pan until we find some stupid planet, no more listening to Archer practice his lame pickup lines in the mirror. [tosses his head with glee]  
  
TRIP: [slowly comes to a few minutes later] Ugh, that smell... [he opens one eye and sees Porthos sitting at the helm. He sees a blindingly bright star looming ever closer on the view-screen.] Holy shit!  
  
ARCHER: [also coming to] What the - T'Pol? [he takes a deep breath] God in Heaven! [he sits up slowly]  
  
TRIP: [whispers] Cap'n!  
  
Reluctantly, Archer crawls away from T'Pol and slides next to Trip.  
  
ARCHER: [blubbers] Trip, I'm scared. I don't wanna die, Trip, I just don't wanna die! [begins to weep]  
  
TRIP: Get a hold of yerself, man, *you're* beginning to sound like Hoshi!  
  
ARCHER: [lip trembles] Trip.will you hold my hand? [with an irritated sigh, Trip grabs Archer's hand. Archer rolls his eyes happily and mouths, "Thank you!"]  
  
TRIP: I've got a plan, Cap'n! I've got a chocolate chip cookie in my pocket. I'm thinkin' if I throw it, Porthos will go after it and I can take control of the ship. What do you think?  
  
ARCHER: [shrugs] Dunno. [sniffles] You know, I never really wanted to be a captain anyway. I only did it to make my daddy happy.  
  
TRIP: Save it, sir.  
  
PORTHOS: Muaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!  
  
TRIP: Cap'n! We're almost to the star! [he throws the cookie. "You throw like Hoshi!" Archer sniffles. The cookie flies past Porthos and rolls towards T'Pol.]  
  
PORTHOS: Cookie! [he leaps from his chair and pursues the cookie]  
  
TRIP: NOW! [he jumps up and throws himself towards the console. He begins frantically pushing buttons.] I'll be - [he scratches his head] which button is it?  
  
ARCHER: [helpfully] Try the big one!  
  
TRIP: Cap'n, there are a bunch of - oh. [he sighs when his eyes fall upon a large red button labeled "The Big One"] Here goes!  
  
[Trip pushes the button. The ship swerves away from the star at the last possible second. Trip slumps back in his chair, wiping the sweat off his brow. All around him, the crew is beginning to wake up.]  
  
T'POL: Commander Tucker, *what* is going on? [she makes a face as Porthos begins licking crumbs off her shirt] Get *away*! [she directs her Vulcan Daggers of Death at Porthos, who whimpers and backs away]  
  
TRIP: [sympathetic] I feel ya, dog.  
  
[Suddenly, there is a screech. Everyone sits bolt upright. As Mayweather's nose twitches with anticipation - "Travis looks like Porthy!" Archer observes cheerily - the doors slowly scrape open. Dr. Phlox bursts through with a team of nurses.]  
  
PHLOX: Whatever was going on up here? Engineering called me a little while ago with reports of the doors being locked, and we discovered dangerous levels of some unidentifiable toxic gas.  
  
MAYWEATHER: That would be Porthos, Doctor.  
  
PHLOX: [to Archer] Is Ensign Mayweather all right, Captain? Perhaps we should go down to Sickbay.and what is that terrible smell?  
  
REED: [a little punchy] Oh, that? That was little Porthy darling. Isn't he cute? [shouts] He's been stinking up the bridge and he almost got us all killed!  
  
PHLOX: Oh my.  
  
T'POL: Doctor -  
  
ARCHER: Shoo!  
  
PHLOX: Oh dear.T'Pol, it's past time for your nasal numbing spray isn't it?  
  
[T'Pol nods, pouting. Dr. Phlox puts a hand over his mouth as he tries to stifle his giggles.]  
  
PHLOX: Terribly sorry, uh, T'Pol. Nothing humorous about it, really. [he snickers] Trip! [he whirls to face Trip] Laughing at poor T'Pol when the last few hours have been complete torture for her, really, I didn't know you were that insensitive.  
  
TRIP: What? I didn't - [seeing T'Pol shoot Vulcan Daggers of Death from her eyes] Dang.  
  
ARCHER: I'll explain *everything*, Doctor.  
  
REED: [mutters] This should be good.  
  
[Archer launches into a long and boring explanation.]  
  
ARCHER: And right before the ship was about to crash into the star, *I* tackled Porthos and wrestled him to the ground and steered the ship to safety. While the others were either passed out or panicking [smiles condescendingly at a sputtering Trip], *I* kept a cool head.  
  
TRIP: What the -  
  
PHLOX: How brave, Captain! It's a good thing you were here to save the day.  
  
ARCHER: Yes, well, we all do our part. [slaps Trip on the back. Trip glares.]  
  
PHLOX: Well, my scans indicate other than a [he wrinkles his nose] rather foul smell, there's been no damage done to you or the ship. You're all free to go. T'Pol, you may come with me to Sickbay.  
  
MAYWEATHER: Yeah! [he scampers for the door and then screeches to a halt] Oh, wait.I'm on duty for another three hours! Man! [he shuffles back to his seat]  
  
ARCHER: [stretches] Well, I need a break. Doctor, I can't tell you how stressful the past hours have been for me. [Reed rolls his eyes] I need some time to gather my strength.  
  
TRIP: [to Reed] Drama queen. [Archer glances at him, and Trip whistles and looks innocently at the ceiling]  
  
REED: Captain, what are we going to do about. [he cocks his head towards Porthos, who is doing a little "house-cleaning".]  
  
ARCHER: Do? I'm going to feed Porthy and put him to bed early; today was a hard day for him, too.  
  
[Everyone begins to talk at once, protesting and complaining.]  
  
ARCHER: [holds up a hand and smiles] Now, now, don't worry; I'm just going to give Porthos a little dinner and we're both going to go to sleep. Nighty- night! [he scoops Porthos into his arms as they head for the door]  
  
MAYWEATHER: I'll be damned.  
  
ARCHER: [cooing, to Porthos] I think we need a little snack, don't you, Porthy? I have a nice chunk of cheddar under my bed just *waiting* to be cut into! How about it, huh?  
  
[Over Archer's shoulder the crew sees Porthos roll his eyes.] 


End file.
